Exhausted

I have been feeling so wiped out lately. Carlos has been on graves for about a month now which means when he makes it home he sleeps until 12 or 1 and then is only up for a little while before he takes another nap and gets ready for work. It feels like he really isn't home or able to help much at all. He has been vacant so much that the baby hasn't even wanted to go to him which means that he hangs on me all day. I'm grateful for my husbands job but some days I just hate it. It is not a family friendly job at all.

Little Diego's monitor still goes off all the time plus we have the noise from the concentrator (oxygen machine) going all night long and it is way loud. And yes he is still in bed with me because he has too many cords on him to leave him in a crib alone. We are also finding that he is still not out of the woods yet with the apnea. He continues to stop breathing quite a bit so I am watching him a lot while he naps or at bedtime. Some nights I am so tired that I just have to ask Heavenly Father to help me keep a watchful eye on him while he sleeps because I know that I am drained and not as alert as I want to be. I'm so afraid of not waking up during one of his "episodes." It terrifies me.

Victor and Olivia are in full swing with cross country and soccer practices. In fact Liv is practicing two times a day. Morning and night. I feel like I have not been able to catch my breath. Aren't summers supposed to be more relaxing? I have been trying to get up early to work out everyday. I keep thinking if I can get some of the weight off I will feel a little better and not so tired.

I have not dared to say anything to anyone because all I usually hear is, "your the one who wanted to have a baby." Nothing bothers me more right now than that statement. Yes I wanted to have a baby and still do but isn't it okay for me to say that I am wiped out and need a breather too or maybe even just a date night with my hubby. I would feel that way whether I had a baby or not. Because of all of his machines and equipment it is hard to find a sitter especially one that knows infant CPR so I just put on a happy face and try to stay positive. I keep telling myself that it has got to get better right?

Anyways, this is just a vent. I hope that I can look back on these periodic vents and say, "Look you made it through that hard time just fine." Just having a hard time seeing the silver lining right now. I know it is there. It's just not as clear as I want it to be.