I love Myself........Really, I do......

Recently it has seemed that all my "best made plans" haven't turned out as "best" as I would like them. It has caused me to be so critical of myself.

Every year, at the beginning of the new year I set the "ever so common" goal to lose weight and stay in shape. The last few years I have felt like I have done a pretty good job at maintaining where I am. This year I hit the treadmill hard for about a week and ended up sick for about week. I climbed back on for 2 more days and ended up sick yet again....Pathetic, I know!

It caused me to be so bummed out. I have found myself wondering why I just can't master this. I have also found myself feeling really kind of down and out. I'm usually a pretty positive person. I try hard to look on the bright side of things. I have been watching others and thinking, Gee, I wish I was as cute as them, Gee I wish I could eat whatever I want and not have to worry about anything and Gee, they sure have cute clothes.....I want cute clothes like that. Once again, pathetic I know!

I have also been watching my husband go to training after training the last few years and receive so many certificates of achievement he is constantly advancing and "making something" of himself. While I am just kind of here doing the same old thing.

So, I am deciding to try to look on the positive side and really start loving me for me. I have made of list of things that I am insecure about but I am going to try to see the bright side of them.

1ST- I will ALWAYS have to exercise! This is just a part of me and will always have to be. I will quit weighing myself and embrace my weight no matter what it is as long as I am truly trying and truly happy. This can't be about weight it has to be about mentally feeling fantastic and keeping myself healthy.

2ND- I will quit looking at what others have and wishing I had the same. It is ok if I don't have a camp trailer, four wheelers, a new house or a brand new outfit everyday. I have a roof over my head, a husband that adores me (I think) and children who mean everything to me.

3RD - I will daily commit myself to improving my testimony and acknowledging that my Heavenly Father knows all of my insecurities and loves me unconditionally. When I am feeling down I will get on my knees and ask him to help me see the beauty and Individual Worth that he sees in me even if I can't see it at that time.

4TH- If I don't accomplish things right when I want to it doesn't make me a failure. God doesn't make failures nor did he send me here to fail. I will look at everyday little accomplishments as big ones. Even if it is learning a new recipe that the whole family likes, finishing all the laundry in one day or getting kids to every appointment on time without cussing.

There it is! My new goals. Sad I know, but I feel like if I can be more positive and look to the positive, life will be more enjoyable for me and others around me. Wish me luck!

Diva, Diva, Diva

Caught in the act




The beginning of glamour


Self photography


Self photography#2



Once again to my amazement I have found more pictures on my camera. Alesia seems to have a way of sneaking it from me. I just have to say, that I just love this little girl. She is definitely my daughter. She LOVES everything beautiful, girly, flashy and stunning. The more blinged out the better! But she's not afraid to get dirty either.

I am constantly telling her she is way to young for makeup. In fact I've been telling her this since she was probably one. I have had to set major boundaries for her or else she would act like a 16 year old already. One of her favorite songs is "Red High Heels." I'm sure it would be a dream of hers to have red high heels some day.

Gone are the days of her letting me do her hair in cute braids and ponies and picking out her clothes for school.she has become so independent. Some days when she leaves the house I just shake my head and hope people understand that I am choosing not to battle with her daily on what she is wearing or how she looks.

She has such an outgoing personality, but also struggles with insecurity even at her young little age. I hope she always realizes that she is beautiful just the way she is. With makeup or without, with nail polish or without and even with a t- shirt and jeans instead of the most up to date outfit.

Family Matters

Recently my family has pulled together to fast and pray for one of my niece's who has been sick. She had an operation that was supposed to be only one surgery and due to an infection has turned into many surgeries and a very long hospital stay. It has been very taxing and hard on her family. Tonight I received an email from my Mom thanking all of us for praying and fasting for her. Her condition is getting better and they know that prayer has contributed to that.

It made me think about how important our families are. It seems like at any moment when we are in need, our first thoughts turn to the ones who know us and love us the best. As families, we go through many experiences that will shape us into the kind of people we are meant to be. I've thought a lot about some of those experiences in my life that have attributed to the feelings I have for the ones I love.

Throughout the years, I have been blessed to have five (six, counting my foster sister) older siblings who have loved and adored me. Being the baby they have always been especially protective of me. I've never doubted their love for me.

We have been through so much together as a family. One of the hardest had to be my parents divorce. I was eight years old. I still remember the day my Dad left. I was sitting on my bed crying and my oldest sister came in there and just held me and let me cry in her arms. I knew then that things for us would never be the same but that the love all of kids had for one another would get us through.That started the adventure of us truly being "Our brothers keeper." I remember going to see my Dad for visitations with just my brother Tom, and me and worrying that I wouldn't get to see my Mom again. Tom always reassured me that it would just be for a few days. I knew he would never leave my side.

Many of our experiences left us very close and willing to defend one another at any cost. My Mom would always tell us that someday she would be gone and all we would have was each other. I never thought those bonds could be broken or changed.

I am sad and embarrassed to say that for the last five years or so one of my brother's and I have not been so close. To this day, our relationship feels so awkward and foreign. We have tried to move past hurt feelings and anger and yet it still feels like it will never be the same. I look back and wonder how we got to this point. I always thought the world of him. We were so alike. And I have always loved him so much.

It has left me to thinking about why and how we hurt the ones we love so much. Sometimes it is by something we say or in our actions. Sometimes it takes someone swallowing their pride and asking for forgiveness. Why do we forgive friends who do us wrong but we are so quick to hold a life sentence over the heads of those who should mean so much to us?

I grew up watching my Grandfather have a strained relationship with his only brother. It affected the whole family and even though my uncle is gone now. It was never really resolved. How sad it makes me when I think about it.

This experience I have had over the last five years with my brother has hurt me in ways I can't even explain as I'm sure it has hurt him too.I have shed so many tears over it. More than anything, it has taught me how to love with a full heart and not only how to forgive, to ask for forgiveness and forget that which was done in the beginning to cause the fallout or hurt.

I had an experience a few years back when I was at Woman's Conference in Salt Lake. I wanted to go see the late night concert that was spotlighting a bunch of LDS Christian singers. No one else wanted to go with me but my sister didn't want me to go by myself. She decided to go with me while the others stayed at the Motel. One of the singers named Cherie Call sang a song called "Family Tree" it was about a family who had gone through divorce and how they were able to make it through it and be stronger because of it. While she was singing it I felt my big sis put her arm around me.I looked at her and she was sobbing. Of course I was too. It was "our song." The song of our family. It was like the singer had written it for my parents and my brothers and sisters. I now know, that it must of been the spirit telling my sister to go with me that night. It was probably the reason that only the two of us went, to share that experience together.

I have the song playing on my playlist right now. It is moments like the one I described that makes me want to listen more carefully when the spirit prompts me to treat my family with the same love and kindness that I would treat my friend or neighbor. I know that in time my relationship with my brother will improve because I know that the Lord has his hand in all things that I do, as long as I heed his council. And I know that the family is the most important thing to him. I am so grateful for the ever watchful eye he has always had over my family. I know it is because of him that our family has made it through the challenges we have had and are stronger because of them.

Bountiful Baskets!

I have discovered the COOLEST thing. It is called Bountiful Baskets. Every other week your go online and pay $15 dollars for fresh fruits and vegetables then they tell you where and what time you can pick up you fruits and veggies. This last week, the drop off spot was Gateway School. You bring your own basket and they fill it up and you take your "goods" home.
I love it! So many healthy foods for a great price! I figured I would have probably spent over $40 dollars had I bought these at the store. And you know me, I LOVE saving money. If you want more info let me know.

Another year, Another Teen

Birthday cookie from YW leaders




Birthday lunch







Today is Olivia's birthday and she is 13. I can't believe it. Where has the time gone? I now have two teens in my house.

I stopped by her school today with some balloons and told her I was taking her to lunch. Carlos was working but was able to stop by and say "Hi." She had a couple of her YW leaders stop by and bring her a treat. The poor dear also had to endure two hours of her brothers wrestling tournament but she will make up for it next week with a Friend party and sleepover.

I just love this girl! She has always been so comfortable with just being her. All of her friends are covered in makeup but not her, she just loves being her sporty little self. And has a "take me how I am" kind of attitude. I could have learned a lot from her when I was her age. She is so special and even though she is growing up so fast she will always be my little girl. Love you Livie!

Sing it loud, Sing it proud!

Well I did it! I joined the church choir. Crazy I know, I LOVE to sing although I don't sing that well. But my adorable little Alesia talked me into it. Singing is a passion of hers so I told her if she would join the choir then I would join with her.

I honestly wasn't even thinking about it. It was just another thing to add to my plate right now but I am committed to doing whatever I can to help her develop her talent. So if that means I get to make a little sacrifice while singing hymns that praise our Lord then so be it.

We went to our first practice last week. You should have seen it....They asked me if I was an alto or soprano and I said, "I don't know, should I know this." They all just started laughing at me. Then we finished a very hard song and they said "How did you feel about that one" and I said, "I think I need my inhaler." Once again, laughing erupted.

They may regret having me join. The best part of the whole practice was my sweet little 7 yr old looking up at me and saying, "Mommy, I just love this." That was all I needed to know that I had made the right choice for both of us.

2009 Recap

Happy New Year!


It is getting harder and harder to get pictures of my teens now days


History project


Inside the teepee


Teepee


Emilio's science fair project


Alesia going to get her award


3 yr olds


Holding hands before the performance


One of my classes

I am so excited to get started with 2010. It seems like 2009 was such a hard year for our family. We literally have felt like we just couldn't catch a break.

I thought I would jot down just a few memories of 2009. Not all has been bad. We spent a good part of the year going to our kids extracurricular events and have loved it. It has been fun to sit back and watch them grow before our eyes.

Alesia got an award at the beginning of the school year for being a "Peacemaker." Emilio has also received the same award at school. It warms my heart to think that even though they are not always peaceful at home, they are trying to be at school.

Emilio put a lot of hard work into his science project and a history project. He made a Teepee. I'll admit it was hard to just sit back and let him do it alone but he was beaming with pride when he finished and that meant the world to me.

Olivia has put a lot of work into soccer and school. She is doing so well in school and makes me so proud.

Victor had a phenomenal year with cross country and is now doing wrestling. I admire his hard work and perseverance.

I am working with the school district once again at a preschool for little ones with special needs. I am a speech aide and am so grateful to have employment at this time.

Carlos is still with the Police Department and is still loving his job. We are also grateful for his employment and the amazing people he gets to work with.

2009 has taught me a lot about myself. It taught me how to simplify and unload my plate for a while. I also learned that no one can take care of you better than you. In doing that, I ended my Dance Studio,(one of the hardest choices I had to make.) checked out of school and prayed to be released from my ever demanding church calling (which I ended up being released from.)It amazes me how the Lord just knows when you are at a breaking point and need a little relief. I'm am grateful for heeding the promptings he gave me. I know I never could have made it through the trials we were to face this last year had I kept going on the way I was.

I am grateful and blessed. No regrets, just great memories. And now on to make more this year. I am hopeful and optimistic and pray that this year finds all of you with good health, happiness and peace in your hearts.