The Reason for the Season

I found my self up very early this morning. As my kids get older I had thought that they would sleep better through the night on Christmas Eve. Well that didn't happen at all. I was up all night telling them to go to bed. Carlos was having trouble sleeping and finally at about 3am I headed out to the living room for some quiet.

I lit a candle that was next to the nativity and curled up on the couch with a blanket hoping I could get back to sleep. It was so peaceful. All I could see in the dark room was the candle, nativity and a tile I have that says, "Wise Men Still Seek Him." I reached over to grab my scriptures that were on the table next to me and opened them up to Luke:2. We as a family had already read the verses earlier in the night but it was nice to sit and read it by myself.

I looked back at my "Wise Men" sign and thought about how if we are wise and are continually seeking him we can find peace and solace in this world. I reflected on the previous two days. I had spent both of them feeling stressed, angry and just not myself. I really can't explain it, I showed my family a side of me that wasn't all that pleasant.Something they usually don't see from me.I had wished I had done better. I had wished I enjoyed the Holiday more and stressed less. I wanted to be more perfect and Christlike. And I had certainly not had the Christmas spirit or better yet, the spirit of Christ with me.

But once again as I looked at my nativity I realized that because of his birth we can try a little harder and do a little better each day. His birth alone was a great miracle in itself but I think the true miracle was, that all that had been prophesied came to be. What hope I'm sure it gave to those who witnessed it and realized that the prophecy was being fulfilled. It is because of him that we can be made whole, it is because of him that we can be forgiven and start again and it is because of him that even a Mom like me can get a little stressed, angry and upset and still be able to make each day a little different and a little better and receive forgiveness when I act foolishly.

Next year I hope I remember this a little more. Maybe it will help me enjoy the holidays as a family and remember that it isn't about the tenth trip to Walmart to get that last minute gift, or early mornings to hit every sale or overwhelming feeling of trying to get every present wrapped and every treat out to neighbors in time. It's really about faith, family and friends. Making the cookies with my kids, Singing Christmas music in the car as loud as we can, reading about the birth of Christ by candelight while sipping hot chocolate and holding the ones I love a little tighter each day.That is truly the reason for the season.

YES WERE TRYING!

I have gone back and forth on whether to post about this or not but I don't believe in keeping things TOO private. I feel like we all have our own stories to tell and our own challenges. Not sharing them sometimes limits us on being able to help others. So in doing this, hopefully I can help someone else or maybe even myself.

Brace yourself! Carlos and I have been trying to have another child for the last 5 months. Some of you probably are wondering what we are thinking. Yes, he did have a vasectomy over 6 years ago but this summer he had it reversed. Yes, my youngest is almost 8 and that will leave a huge gap. Yes, my husband is a police officer and doesn't make a ton of money. And yes, that would be 5 kids.All of these things I know.

First of all, never make the decision to have permanent sterilization after giving birth. Which is what we did. Our heart and minds were not in the right place. From the day we went through with the initial surgery we had regrets. Big ones!

Like I said before we do already have four kids but I personally only had the opportunity to carry two of them and deliver two of them. Which I am grateful for. I also experienced a heartbreaking miscarriage in between my two deliveries. I happen to have loved the whole pregnancy part. I was sick as a dog but loved it all. I have also been blessed with a husband that devotes every waking minute to me his wife, and our children. I couldn't ask for anything more.

Anyways....on to our decision. We didn't even know that a reversal was an option until a friend of ours had it done and successfully conceived. We then started praying about it. A lot! WE had a strong confirmation that this is what we were supposed to do. The surgery was very expensive and No, insurance does not cover it but we felt like we had God's hand showing us the way to make it happen. It has been amazing to look back and see how things have taken place. Truly a miracle in our eyes.

So here we are, five months of trying with no luck. We were told it could take up to a year or longer.We were also told that it may not work. It was a risk worth taking in our eyes. I in no way want to sound selfish, I know that their are some parents that never have or will be able to have children on their own. I am eternally grateful for the children I have. I can honestly say, I know how it feels to go month to month with a strong desire to be a Mother again and have it not work out. I also know how it feels to feel inadequate as a Woman. We as women are just supposed to make it happen. We are supposed to be able to conceive and carry strong healthy babies full term.

Carlos and I have said in the beginning that we would give it a year and if it hasn't happened we would mourn the fact that it probably wouldn't and move on. We have always known that this is in God's hands and not ours. I am not going to lie. Each month is more heartbreaking than the last. I feel like I constantly have symptoms just to find out that is is just me wanting it to be so.

So all we ask of those who love and care for us is to keep us in your prayers. We wish we could see God's plan in all of this but sometimes it just isn't so. We as a family know what we have felt and have FAITH that God will bless us with what we stand in need of. Whether is is what we want or not. I'm also grateful I have had the courage to talk about this openly. I literally woke up this morning and felt like it was okay to share this struggle we are having. It has been very lonely trying to keep it between my husband and myself. Carlos has been very open about it from the beginning. He is always there wiping my tears each month that goes by without pregnancy. He has helped me realize that wanting to be the parents of another sweet spirit is nothing to be ashamed of or to hide and for that I am grateful.

The Best Gift

Carlos and his precious little shopper






Alesia


Liv and Dad


The goods


Wrapping presents


Alesia and Daddy's shopper


Here they come!




Lady Elks provided breakfast.




Emilio and his cousin






My kids waiting to serve breakfast to the other kids

I know I said this last year and I will say it again. The best gift I can ever give my children through the Holidays is having them serve someone else. We just finished with Shop with a Cop and once again it was amazing!

We started out at the High school waiting for the officers and kids to come have breakfast. It was still dark outside and you could see all of the lights on the freeway heading to the High School. People driving the freeway pulled over and probably thought the whole city was under attack.

When they got to the High School my kids were asking them if they needed help getting breakfast and they were helping me hand out shoe certificates. They sang Christmas carols and then we headed to Walmart to shop.This time they went through town with their light and sirens on. Everyone rushed in and started shopping.

These kids never cease to amaze me. They only have $100 to spend and most of them want to shop for their family members as soon as they get there. That usually only leaves enough for one small gift for themselves. My husband tries to tell them that the money is for them but they still think of others.Talk about a humbling experience.

My kids have so much fun helping them pick out presents and wrap them. It makes me so proud of my children and husband when I see this. They always tell me they don't want anything, they just want to give. This year for Thanksgiving we as a family were going to volunteer at the soup kitchen. Unfortunately we had the flu and were unable to go but I was so impressed at how excited my kids were to help out. I often think about what kind of a world we would have if others gave so willingly. I am so lucky to have grown up with service all around me. My Grandparents and Mother made it a big part of my life and I am grateful for their example.

The best way I can think of showing your love of Christ through this season is to give a little of yourself and encourage your family to do the same through serving someone in need. My heart is full!

Festival Of Tree's

For F. H. E. this week we went to the Festival of Tree's. Our friends met us there and we were even able to see my niece perform with her Choir group. We had a lot of fun! It put us in the Christmas spirit. The last few years my Dancer's had performed there. It was a little bitter sweet for me. I miss teaching and performing but it was also fun to actually take some time to see the trees. Usually I would be running around, getting groups together, doing sound checks and getting my Dancer's on stage. I kind of welcomed the time to relax and enjoy it with my family.

New Moon

New Moon


Oh Edward oh JACOB! Cute Teenager Girls!


Olivia and Me- Look how pale I am! I could pass for one of the vampires.


Eric and Victor- So serious at a Chick Flick


Ryane and Mercedes


Chantyl and Morgan-Morgan is so excited she can hardly stand it.


Breinholt Girls- They got me started on the first movie


Mom and Lynn- Who says this movie is for the teens?


Angie and Katy-Mother and daughter, what more can I say...

On Thanksgiving night A bunch of my family went to see New Moon. My daughter and I were so excited. We have been reading all the books and have the first movie. I first heard about this when I was in Young Women's and all the girls were reading it.
I don't know any woman who isn't a sucker for a love story. I know I am. I have always loved anything that involves romance.The more romantic the better.

It was so fun to see it with all the young girls and my Mama and Lynn. My poor nieces are finding out I am the embarrassing aunt to go to the movies with. My daughter was blushing the whole time when I would let out a "Ooh and ahh, Oh my goodness" or I would nudge her and tell her, "I'm in love Liv." Usually Carlos and I tell our kids we want to sit in the back of the Theatre so we can make out and cuddle. (You can imagine how much they hate that.)Needless to say, they don't volunteer to go to the Movies with us very often.

Anyways it was so much fun! I'm glad we glad we got a "Girls Night Out" with the exception of Victor and Eric who sat way far away from us.

When your 15

Me and my brothers




15 years old


Jr. Prom

I recently downloaded this song onto my Ipod for my girls. The song is fifteen by Taylor Swift.It is playing on my play list at the side of my blog if you want to hear it. I love to hear them sing their little hearts out. When they sing the words it makes me want to tell them to listen to what they are saying and remember the words for when they are that age.

My girls and I were listening to it and I couldn't help but think back to the days when I was 15. It really wasn't all that long ago. I am only 30 right now. It made me think about how I thought I had everything planned out back then. I'm a little embarrassed to say that I was in such a hurry to grow up at that time. I had already had a steady boyfriend. I had also gone to the Sweethearts Dance and Junior Prom as a freshman. I thought those past relationships and friendships would never end. I felt like I was on top of the world and that things would never change.

At that time, everything revolved around Dance for me. I was devoting several days a week to my dance classes, competing and preparing for Drill Team. I spent Friday nights at Football games and after game dances and was far too concerned about what others thought of me. I wasted a lot of time wishing I was someone I wasn't, and looking for approval. All I wanted was really to be wanted. It's like the song says, "You think if someone tells you they love you that they really do." Boy, what a wake up call to find out that isn't always the truth.

I remember having my heart broken several times by several different people and feeling like it would never heal.I also remember loosing friendships that I thought would never end.

Now I look at my son who will be 15 this year and I see in his eyes how bad it hurts to have your heart broken or to find out that someone is "just not that into you." I see him getting overwhelmed trying to juggle sports, school work, church and just having a little free time and my heart aches for him. It is such a tender age.I always tell him, "I know it's hard, but someday you will look back on this and realize those were some of the best days you've ever had.

Now I spend my days worrying about bills, making sure I'm being the best Wife and Mom and Friend I can be and hoping I'm doing the best for my family. Some things never change no matter how old you get. You heart can still get broken, you can still lose friendships you thought were dear and feelings can still get hurt. It's true that time does heal, but memories are still there. Sometimes I do wish my worries were the ones I had at 15 instead of the ones I have now. So like the song Say's "I found time can heal most anything. And you just might find who you are supposed to be. I didn't know who I was supposed to be at 15." I still don't always feel like I know who I'm supposed to be but I'm hoping each year I am getting a little better, a little less insecure and leading by example a little more.