Worries

I just thought I would jot down some thoughts that I have been having lately for future reference.

Yesterday before our church started I layed the baby down for a nap. I left the room only long enough to warm up some lunch for my kids probably 3 minutes or so and when I returned I noticed that his face was dark purple. I thought that maybe the light was playing tricks on me so I watched to see if I could see his chest raise and nothing. His monitor was showing that he was okay but he clearly wasn't. My heart started racing. I frantically woke him and he gasped in a big breath. Then his monitor went off showing that there was a problem.

I went to church shaken up and ended up in the foyer with my busy little one and four other Mom's who spent the next 30 minutes complaining about what a pain there babies were. After I had all I could take I picked up my sweet little guy sobbing and left the church. I realize that Mom's just complain. I definitely have my share of days when I am spent and the kids are driving me crazy but I just kept thinking about how good they had it. All of them are stay at home Mom's (something I have never been able to do)Their husbands all make a good living and all of them have healthy little babies. It took all I had to keep my cool but I tried to also have understanding towards them. I went to church hoping to feel the spirit especially after the scare I had just had but left feeling rotten inside. "Don't they know how good they have it?" is all I could think.

Tonight we dropped off some food for my husband at Maverick. While there he pulled over a car with some questionable people.I snuck the food in his car and reluctantly left. I was a little worried to leave him there all alone.

When we got home as we were walking in the house Alesia said to me. "Mom, do you ever worry that Diego will pass away? " Taken back by what she had just said,I replied that "yes I worry everyday." She also said, "I do to. And I really worry about Daddy passing away too." My heart sank. I tried to reassure her the best I could but how was I supposed to make this sweet little girl feel good about something that worries me and consumes so much of my days lately.

A few minutes later I heard a lot of sirens and told Alesia to get my phone fearing that something bad had happened to my husband who was just about a mile away. Before I could call him he was trying to call me to make sure we made it home ok because he had heard the sirens too. I'm glad we were both thinking of each other at that moment.

I have had so much on my mind lately. We are trying to see if we can sale our home and move into town. We really need to be closer to the kids school and my husbands work. We are spending so much money driving back and forth everyday. And I would feel so much better being closer to the hospital with the problems that our baby has. That would also help my husband to be able to attend church more while on duty. But we are not confident that it will sale. I have also been feeling like I need to stay home and care for our baby and possibly start doing some online classes through the college but I know how desperately we need my extra income. I wish I knew what the right thing to do was. But so far I just don't know and am a little scared to act on faith alone.

So we will keep praying and have faith that we will get the answers we are needing. And hopefully have some direction for our crazy life.