First of all if you read this and say to yourself, "She should have thought of this before having a baby " then this post is not for you. In fact it really is just for me so I can look back on it someday and realize that I made it through.
I am embarrassed to admit that I think I may have a little bit of postpartum depression going on. I usually don't struggle with depression but because I had it with my first child I have recognized its ugly face once again.
When my husband came home from work Friday I sat him down and had a little chat with him. Okay, lets be real it was more of a little breakdown. I have been feeling like since I have had the baby that everybody's life has been able to go on like normal. They all get to take long showers, work out whenever they want and for as long as they want, get a full nights sleep and come and go as they want including my husband and I feel like all I do is get up after not sleeping hardly at all,take a quick two minute shower and forget about having time to shave my legs while the baby screams his head off, feed the baby, get kids ready for school, take the baby to my Moms, feed the baby, go to work, go to my Moms, feed the baby, go home, attempt to do a load of dishes or laundry while the baby cries, feed the baby, make dinner, feed the baby, bathe the baby, get ready for bed and you get my drift. I forgot to add all the diaper changes in between. And yes, I do feel like a milking cow.
In short, I feel like everyone is going on with their normal routines and my life is completely turned upside down not to mention the fact that when I nurse I gain weight like crazy which I have been doing. But when I work out while nursing I tend to lose my milk supply.
I decided to make a list of things that I think have contributed to me getting to this point for future reference.
1ST- My sweet baby doesn't sleep well unless he is in my bed which in turn makes me not sleep well. I worry about rolling over on him. And during the day he only takes 10 minute cat naps and he wakes up to everything.
2ND- He has had reflux since birth. The second I lay him down everything comes up even when he sleeps or gets his diaper changed he chokes. It seriously comes out of both his nose and mouth ans scares the heck out of me which is also a reason why he sleeps in bed with me. We have tried several medicines without much success.
3RD- Nursing, what more can I say... nursing for me is always so painful. I battle Mastitis and thrush and want to bawl every time he wants to eat. Some may say that I should just use formula well I got so desperate the other day and gave him a bottle of formula and he had a bad allergic reaction and broke out everywhere. His little eyes even swelled. Now do you see my dilemma.
4th- Sleep Apnea. He has been having a hard time breathing while he sleeps which puts me in a major panic.
5th- Cradle Cap and Eczema. Both of these have been out of control. And yes I have talked to the Doc about both of these several times.
6th- Everyone wants to know if we will have another baby so Diego will have a friend. Its only been three months and I honestly don't know and don't want to answer that question.
7th- C Section. I know I sound like a broken record but the c section was rough for me. I'm talking 10 weeks of recovery and he is only almost 13 weeks old. I realize it isn't this way for everyone but for me It really took a toll on my body. I had such a hard time healing.
Anyways, I guess I have just forgotten how different each baby is and how some are a little harder than the others. They each come with a list of different things. I have just been feeling like I am on overload. Please, please, please don't think for one minute that I have any regrets he is so precious to me and I can't imagine my life without him. Believe me I could make lists all day long of all of the things I love about my sweet boy. I just wish I had written down my feelings like this with my other kids so I could look at it now and realize that I will get through it. Besides I know that Heavenly Father never would have given him to me if he thought I couldn't do it. This is just another bump in the road I need to get used to and adjust to and I know that in time it will get better.
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4 comments:
Hang in there! It WILL get better. Believe me I know all about post-partum. Here are a few suggestions that you might want to try. They have seemed to help me out. First, Exercise. It doesn't have to be a full out work out, but just take a walk. Put Diego in a stroller and take a walk. Second, Meditate. Find 5 minutes in your day to just stop and think about how you want your day to go. (Even if the 5 minutes is while you are in the shower). Sometimes all I say to myself is, "I am going to be happy today" or "I am going to only think positive thoughts" etc.. and Third, Pray. Always start your morning off with a prayer. Ask your Father in Heaven to help you to make it through the day smiling. Please try these 3 simple things. I, your big sis, promise you that you will start to feel better. I love you!
P.S. call your Dr. Today and go get an estrogen b12 shot. I promise you will feel better almost instantly. It makes a world of difference. Then go and get a vitamin B12 supplement and take it daily.
Oh Kari, I love you! You don't sound horrible at all. I know what you mean about feeling like everyone else leads a normal life and you can't even THINK about what you NEED to do, much less what you'd LIKE to do! The first 3 months for me were the hardest as far as feeling like I was never going to have control of my life again. But it has gotten easier. (I realize I had an easy baby this time around so you may not want to hear that from me, but even easy babies are time-demanding)! Hang in there. Call me when you want to scream!!:)
Kari, For a minute I thought I had written this. I am feeling so much of the same things. Ok, I didn't have a c- section, we don't have sleep apnea or reflux. Other than those your post put into words the way I have been feeling. Being a new mom is so hard!!! Keep your chin up! :)
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