One Month

Always a joker! Posing over his pre- bought headstone.I miss his humor


This picture was taken several years ago at the cemetery. We gathered as a family to plant a tree for my cousin Kim who we lost to cancer. As you can tell my Grandpa was overtaken with emotion. He sure loved all of his grandkids. I'm glad Kim was there to welcome him home when he passed.

It has been one month today since my Grandpa left us. I started my day out with a good cry. Which even surprised myself since I have been holding it together pretty good lately. I guessed I just realized how much I really miss him. I have been spending a lot of time at his house checking on my Grandma and spending time with her. I love every minute I get to spend with her but it is still hard for me to be there with his absence. I miss seeing him in his chair when I walk in. It is had for me to go in his room with all of his things still there.

I guess I just don't deal well with that kind of stuff. I was the only kid in my family who couldn't sing at his funeral or go up to the casket to say goodbye. It was just more than I could bear at the time. Now I'm kind of kicking myself wishing that I could have been stronger. I hope my Grandpa understands. It's not that I don't have a clear understanding of the plan of salvation or that I don't believe it completely, it has just been hard because of the deep absence I feel. I have lost others that I loved before but I have always felt a sense of comfort and peace and I still haven't felt that with him. Which has surprised me because of how close I was to him. I am hoping it is because he is just too busy visiting with his loved ones or playing with our little boy. Perhaps in time it will get better.

I never imagined it would be so hard to lose someone so close to you that you love so much. I am guessing this must be how it feels to lose a parent especially since he filled a parental role in my life. What does help is having my sweet Grandma close by. She is probably getting sick of all of us "checking in" on her. I admire her so much and her strength. Sometimes I wish I could be as strong as she is. She has spent a lot of time telling me, "I can't cry because I know he is in a better place and not suffering or sick anymore." But, she still lets me cry on her shoulder. She teaches me so much and for that I am grateful.